Your Phone Number Can Be Turned Into Words But 1-800-Bastard Is Taken

Posted by Alan Childress
After I learned from a website last week that our blog may be censored in China — explaining a lot but depressing me — I was cheered by another website, phonespell.org.  This one provides a long list of possible words for any 7 or 10 digit phone number, one that you enter.  My own number came up pretty fruitless, gibberish even.  I hate mnemonics that are harder to remember than the subject.  No one is going to call me, certainly not anyone in China.

But Jeff’s number works great.  I won’t say it exactly since Emily Post declared it impolite to post people’s numbers on the internet for anyone to see and stalk. Suffice it to say that he can have people remember his number easily by cheering for a team and a sandwich.  They also may have to remember that there is no i in team.  (There is an i in signing bonus, though — two of them, even.)  On the other hand, Mike’s is fairly obscene in two proposed ways, and one (without his area code) implies he is quite the loner.

Unbelievably, but true, my father’s full phone number — with a few other additions in it that make it easy to remember but impossible for you to call him based on this — includes “my daddy.”

The White House phone number, 202-456-1414, came up jabberwocky like mine.  But tellingly, Karl Rove‘s listed White House phone number (from the official website of The President and His Leadership Team) comes up “Globe My.”  (Just remember the DC area code first.)  Or dial “i lob fowl” or, hard to fathom, “i job doze.” My memory will stick with world domination.  Warning:  don’t call that direct-dial number if you are Tim Russert or, for that matter, you are Chuck Schumer.  Unless you are at a pay phone.

My law school classmate Alberto Gonzales is pictured and nicely bio’d on the “Leadership Team” as well, but his phone number is not listed.  I then checked the alphabetical listing, and — like i — there is no “Scooter” or “Kyle” in team.  Anyway, too bad Mike Battle was the one who had to make the U.S. Attorney you’re-fired phone calls on Pearl Harbor Day last year, because the Attorney General’s photo has The Donald written all over it.

But before Senator Schumer gets judgmental about Rove’s plans for Globe His, he should consider that constituents are encouraged to call the Senator, unbeknownst to them, at either “AA I’m Liar” or, worse, “AA ho kick.”  Must feel that way to some in Globe His this week.  Or simply dial “bag-o-lice.”  (Like Dan Ackroyd’s Bag-o-glass Christmas gift.  But more willing to keep on giving to others.)  That’s in DC.  The senator’s NYC office can be accessed at “hung if 0.”  Oddly, his Syracuse office continues the itchy theme with “31-lice-lip-1” including area code, while his local Buffalo office (Buffalo being the hometown of Tim Russert, of course) is “Tim, I-111.”  Is I-111 an interstate in the city?  Did Tim tell Chuck about Plame?  There?  Anyway, the Senator has several glass houses of phone numbers and cannot make fun of Karl.  But these are presumably named unintentionally.  His “About Chuck” webpage name (plus associated pic left) is not.  Let’s hope he does not get the Up With People singers to support him.  Thankfully, there’s no “Talk With Chuck” ad here.

Maybe we should be censored in DC instead of China.  Or at least Syracuse, where locally “Ice Lip 1” will reach Sen. Schumer.

As for the post title:  my ethics students tell me, in the class on lawyeradvertisements and billboards, that one guy proudly uses 1-800-Bastard — I think he’s alawyer in Florida.  I have not checked to see whether that is true butI believe them.